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THE LATEST SOG FANFIC: OR HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE THE GAY
Meds dressed in a fancy suit looks at the camera in front of a dark background* "This...is the story of a man...a man who lead a successful life selling anal cream to ass hurt social justice warriors on the internet but one day he found out his wife had been sleeping with the pool boy, he got so depressed and shit he ate all the anal cream and he turned into an asshole...HAHAHAHAAH...he died" "He was a faggot anyways, that's it for today, tune in next time to listen to the story of a 60 year old fat lesbian and how she discovered her fetish for mayonnaise bottles " *Meds walks off* AND NOW THE REAL STORY: In a world where Sifen is on national television 24 seven doing explicit things to dogs- Sifen: HEY HEY HEY ALREADY WITH THE JOKES? Meds: Fine Fine seesh. In a world where Sifen is a totally cool guy and loves dog- Sifen: Meds for fucks sakes! Meds: Calm your tits... In a world where Sifen is never pleased, a world where the French wear G strings to their weddings, a world of corruption, a world where terrorism is the new black, and blacks are the new terrorists. A team of heroes will try to stop the evil Mutahar from taking over the yogurt industry, but this team of heroes is not your usual team of heroes, in fact these heroes are a new breed of autism. We meet with our heroes in their secret base, Sifen's room (aka his mother's basement) Areis: You seriously live in your mother's basement? Sifen: Well, it's also her BDSM dungeon. Morgan: That would explain the bloody dildos. Suddenly all the dragon dildos rose up and attacked the team, or tried to, for Morgan being the robot he is, he used the vacuum cleaner conveniently placed on his ass to suck all the dildos in the room. Morgan: Problem solved chip chop i'm british ya' know? Suddenly the dildo's burst out of his face lunging towards the team for a second time, Sifen used his massive stomach to stop the dildos which fell on the ground, and he used his weight to crush them all under his butt Sifen: I've never had so many phallic objects against my butt since that Christmas party with my hillbilly cousin. Areis: Let's call the rest of the team and get going, I got a hot date with a dolphin... Bree: aren't you already dating another dolphin? Aries shrugged "They all look alike anyways" Sifen: What do we do about Morgan? Morgan lied on the ground with a mangled face leaving a pool of oil all over the place, Sifen had an idea and taped a piece of paper with a hand drawn kitten face, Morgan suddenly felt much better. Bree: How does that even work? Everyone said "SHUT UP BREE" and Areis phoned the rest of the team Sshaken was chopping down trees with a hockey stick while drinking maple syrup to recover his Eh-nergy (See what I did there?) But then a nearby beaver began to ring, Sshaken picked it up and placed it on his ear: Sshaken: Hello EH? Areis: Hey this is Areis Sshaken: Yeah I could tell, your name is on the dialogue script...EH Areis: What? Anyways we need your help, meet us at HQ, also bring Sam along. Sshaken: Okay Eh. Areis then hung up, Sshaken checked the beaver confused: Sshaken: How do I turn this thing off? He checked the beaver's anus and pressed it hoping this was the way to turn it off, suddenly the anus opened showing a huge set of teeth that tried to chop Sshaken's arm off, but he quickly tossed the beaver away. Sshaken: Shit, I better remember my Canadian-fu techniques. Anus: EAT SHIT YOU FUCK The anus shot 3 balls of acid shit at Sshaken, but he deflected them with his Hokey stick tossing them back into the beaver's anus, the scoreboard beeped showing that Sshaken won by 3 points. Anus: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU WIN, TIME TO CLAIM YOUR PRICE. The beaver and the anus grew of size to a gigantic one, the anus then sucked Sshaken inside the beaver's ass, the beaver's ass was not exactly cozy, but at least someone was kind enough to light up the place with a lamp, and a throne but someone was sitting on it, and oddly enough Linkin park was playing from somewhere. ???: Welcome to my kingdom of sadness. Said the mysterious figure, the lamp could not light up and show who was sitting on the throne but the voice sounded familiar to Sshaken. Sshaken: Who are you eh? ???: My name is not important eh Sshaken: eh ???: eh Sshaken then had an idea and licked the mysterious man's face: Sshaken: You taste Canadian...and I sense a bit of edginess. ???: Fine it's me Sam, I became the king of this anus when It sucked me in. Sam got off his throne walking into the light and showing that he had become an emo, complete with emo hair an emo shirt, but oddly enough no trousers and just a speedo. Sshaken: Why the speedo? Sam: So my gift from god is more apparent, I became the king of this anus for being the only person with 2 penises instead of one, making me more powerful than the average Canadian. Sshaken then stood there awkwardly for 5 minutes unsure of what to do or say after hearing about Sam's gift, Sam did the same thing but then he said: Sam: oh also here's the price promised Sam then handed over Sshaken a golden trophy. Outside the beaver took its own head off showing that it was just a mask and that the beaver was instead the evil Mutahar, he then took off for the sky with his ability to fly. Back at HQ our heroes heard no more word of Sshaken, and Sam was nowhere to be seen either, so they instead called the ghost extraordinaire Odd: Odd: Hello this is odd, if you are calling for the mattress I assure you that the stains on it are just ectoplasm. Bree: Hey it's the...do I really have to say it? *sigh*...SOG team...*Bree makes a dying inside sound* and we need your help, Mutahar is at it again. Odd: K... Bree: ... Odd: ... Bree: ... Odd: Is your hair real? Bree hung up Odd shrugged and went to his room, he lived in the same place that he died, his home, he had died in his room while he was jerking off to Jewish nanny bear porn before a steamroller fell from the sky and crushed him to death, he would have died of jerking off too hard anyways. His body was still lying underneath the steamroller, no one cared to move it, they wouldn't want to let the stench of dead body and semen out. Odd picked up the keys for his ghost mobile (His mom's volkswagen) and took off. He decided to take a shortcut next to the beach, and suddenly what looked like a giant robotic fish fell from the sky and landed on the car's engine blocking the view causing it to crash into a ditch. Odd was fine given how he was already dead, and the fish looking thing looked just fine. Odd: What the fuck do I tell my mom now? She is going to kill me-... Odd floated off stage and faced the director: Odd: I AM NOT SAYING THIS, THIS IS A TERRIBLE PUN. Meds: Fine fine...then say something like...she is going to kick my lily ass. Odd: are you implying something? The fish seemed to wake up: Fish: Who are you talking to? Odd turned around and saw that the Fish was actually Dan: Odd: Dan, what happened to you? Dan: Damn Border cops, they got a hold of me while I was trying to get Mexican firecrackers through the border and into the USA , I had them up my ass you see, and when they got a hold of me they shook me so hard that the firecrackers mixed with the last dinner had which consisted of spicy Mexican food. That caused the firecrackers to explode, my ass blew up in a kid's face covering his face in shit and blood, and that kid was the son of the boss of the Mexican Communist Party, when they knew of that, they kidnapped me when I was in the hospital, at their base they turned me into this. Odd: Why? Dan: I don't fucking know, I look like a mermaid now, I miss having legs...and an anus, now I have to shit through my eyes. Odd: That's sad...hey are you crying? Dan: No I just crapped myself. *Commercial Break!* We will return to "Bree presents: Going mental on the oriental" After these messages. Do you feel lonely? Do you feel sexually repressed? So much so that every night you spy on your grandmother while she sleeps and you furiously masturbate? Well don't worry, I got the solution for you... just call 555-LOVE-ME-DADDY and chat with one of our many dolphin girls ready to show you some love. Areis: Hi, I am the owner of SeafoodSex the first sexline where all of our girls are dolphins ready to give you company. Random Lonely Man: What are you wearing? Dolphin: *Dolphin sounds* Random Lonely Man: Oh go on. Dolphin: *More dolphin sounds* Random Lonely Man: Oh god, oh god please go on. Dolphin: *Dolphin pukes and claps its flippers* Random Lonely Man: *Non understandable loud screams of pleasure* Areis smiles into the camera and winks *WE NOW GO BACK TO OUR REGULAR PROGRAM: Bree's incredibly racist adventure* With Sshaken and Sam trapped inside Mutahar's ass. Odd and Dan having to respectably float and crawl their way to the SOG HQ. The rest of the team at HQ have to find a way to fight this evil on their own: Sifen: What do we do? Areis: We have to find the M-man on our own. Morgan: But how do we find the bloody hooligan? My sensors broke in that wibbily wobbily dildo fight. Bree: Hey...do you guys hear that? A knocking sound came from Sifen's mom's closet where she puts all her sex toys, Sifen opened the closet, and a big pile of various dildos came out...oh and a gimp that turned out to be Sifen's long lost father. Sifen: DAD?! Bree: Is that your...dad? Sifen: YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN OVER 10 YEARS...I thought he died in the great British war. Morgan: That bloody war killed all the brits, I am the only one left in the world, complete bollocks. Sifen's daddy: My son, I have been stuck in this closet ever since your mother decided to turn me into her sex slave, and apparently she forgot about me. I also could not help but to hear that you need to find someone. Well my son, remember that you are a dog (Furry alert) you might be fat as shit, but you still have your sniffing powers, use it well and you will find who you are looking for. Sifen got on his knees in front of his father, closed his eyes and... Tried to pick up a scent that could lead them to Mutahar. Sifen: I smell...evil shit happening...around...that direction Sifen pointed north. Areis: ALRIGHT TEAM, MOVE OUT! The team SOG got on their van and drove north following the scent. Back in Mutahar's ass, Sshaken and Sam were playing cards. Sshaken: Looks like I win again. Sam began crying like the emo he had become, he grabbed a razor and screamed: "I AM NOT WORTHY" He ripped his speedo off and tried to cut his second penis off while singing an emo song: "CRAWLIIIIING IN MY SKIIIIIIIN" Mutahar suddenly had a diarrhea attack due to all the emo shit going inside his ass, he ran to the bathroom sat on the toilet and... *BOOM* 10 minutes later, Mutahar walked out the shit covered bathroom, he did not seem to notice the 2 Canadian heroes stuck in the toilet covered in shit. Back in the SOG van, Sifen seemed to pick up a stronger scent: Sifen: I smell...poo, and...*sniff sniff* Canadian bacon? Sifen began to drool all over the place. Bree: GAH, yes we get it, Canadian bacon is delicious... Sifen: I was not thinking about the bacon... Areis: ... Bree: ... Morgan: Bloody disgusting mate. Sifen: Hey I'm a dog... *COMMERCIAL BREAK* We will be back with "Bree does KKK" after these messages. *A man in his 40s dressed like every republican ever with good rugged looks is walking down a green field* My name is Ian Ghay, and I love this country, I also love the children of this country, and as with any child lovi- country loving citizen, I want the best for it, that's why I am voting for Ebola. *He smiles into the camera* Ebola promises us a brighter future for us and our children, like... *Stares into the camera unsure of what to say, the logo for Ebola 2015 appears in the corner of the screen* *WE ARE BACK WITH: Bree's Holocauster tycoon.* The SOG team arrived at Mutahar's base, It was a yogurt factory. Areis: Why didn't you say it smelled like yogurt? it could have made the search much easier! Sifen: It does not smell like yogurt in there for reason. Bree: We better sneak in and find out... Morgan: I know how can we sneak in champs! Morgan drove the van into the factory breaking a hole into the wall, the impact made Bree fly through the windshield and land on a pile of nails, the rest of the team followed her and tried to get her off that pile of rusty nails: Sifen: are you okay? Bree: I am fine, I stopped feeling pain a long time ago. Mutahar then appeared from behind laughing evilly: M-man: YOU SOG TWERPS WON'T STOP BE! SOON I WILL MAKE MY OWN BRAND OF YOGURT! MADE OUT OF MY OWN SEMEN, AND ONCE PEOPLE HAVE A TASTE OF IT, THEY WILL GET PREGNANT WITH MY SEED AND GIVE BIRTH TO CLONES OF ME! Areis: It's over Mutahar, give up! We beat you 4 to 1! Sshaken: Make it 6 to 1 Sshaken and Sam joined the team, they were both covered in shit, but ready to fight. Dan: I hope we are not late. Odd and Dan joined as well both ready to fight as well. Mutahar: ...Fuck it He tried to charge an attack, but Sam soon got in front and showed Mutahar his double penis, the majesty of such failure of nature blinded him, Sam then leaped in the air and kicked Mutahar in the face thanks to his Canadian-Fu skills, Mutahar staggered back, but that did not stop him from shooting a ball of evil energy or something at our heroes, Sshaken managed to deflect it with his hockey stick sending it back to Mutahar, but Sifen could not resist his dog urges to catch the ball of energy like it was a frisbee, but since he was too fat to jump and catch it, he just grabbed a stick and tried to get it from where he was standing, obviously it was too far away, so he just tossed the stick at the ball, the ball exploded, Mutahar laughed and everyone looked angrily at Sifen. While that was going on something inside Dan clicked, and from his mouth a beam came that hit Mutahar in the ass, Odd noticed a strange trigger like thing on Dan's "tail" he soon realized that Dan was actually a weaponized human, he grabbed Dan and carried him like a gun, he tried to pull the trigger again, but Mutahar was already about to strike them with more evil magic and shit. Morgan grabbed Bree who was still lying on the pile on nails and tossed her at Mutahar distracted him further. Odd then pulled the trigger, another beam came from Dan's mouth hitting Mutahar in the face, he fell on his knees in pain, Odd then proceeded to try and posses Mutahar with his ghost powers and shit by flying into his body, after a brief struggle Odd managed to posses Mutahar: Odd: Oh man...this is incredible! I know everything! I even know the meaning of life! Sshaken: And what would that be? Odd: A mix between Buddah and the Queen of England Morgan: I BLOODY KNEW IT *COMMERCIAL BREAK* We will be back with "Bree and the new Reich" after these messages. BREAKING NEWS: Just now Meds award winning actor and inspirational trainer extraordinaire has gone on a killing spree at a petting zoo, so far we don't know if anyone has been killed in the slaughter, but we have footage of Meds fully armed being kicked down by a group of ostriches, we will inform more on this story as it unfolds. *WE ARE BACK WITH: Bree kills black people in their sleep and eats their babies* The team gathered around Mutahar's unconscious body after Odd left it, they celebrated their victory. Areis who was missing the entire fight came out of the janitor's closet alongside Sifen's dad: Areis: Guess who is your new mommy... Sifen screamed. FIN Category:Fanfiction Category:Fan Work Category:Original Story